Once Upon a Plane (Motion Sick)

I love to fly, but I have a little problem: Motion sickness. So to distract myself when the plane gets bumpy, I look around and ponder strange things. For example:

How come, when you dig through the seat back pocket in front of you, the LAST thing you find is the motion sickness bag? 
(If you find it at all.) Do they want queasy flyers to spew all over the latest edition of Sky Mall, instead? Granted, I could write a whole blog post on the ridiculous items offered in Sky Mall, but that's for another day.

How come the one time I actually puked on a plane, my seat back pocket didn't have a bag?

How come one side of the bag says something like, "I got sick to my stomach and left you a less-than-pleasant present inside" . . . while the other side says, "I'll be back." Seriously? If I wanted to exit the plane on a layover and return to the same seat, why would I reserve it with a bag of regurgitated ginger ale and Biscoff cookies? (No doubt that would be an effective way to keep anyone from stealing my seat, though. I mean, Biscoff cookies are great, but most people don't want to eat them secondhand.)

OK, enough of the motion sickness ponderings . . . after all, the point is to distract myself.

How come even short people like me feel cramped on a plane? How do tall people deal with the severe lack of leg room?

Have you ever been freezing on a plane while the person next to you blasts cold air, or vice-versa? Why don't they make a section for chilly people and a section for overly-warm people?

In fact, why don't they make a section for short people and a section for tall people, a narrow section for super-skinny people and a wider section for soft, huggable people?

Oh, wait. I suppose that would be politically incorrect. After all, pro football players would probably get put in the wider section . . . and we know how emotionally fragile they are (according to last season's new NFL rules).

But could we at least get better padding in the seats? I mean, I have a well-padded derrière and all, but it goes numb within the first 45 minutes of the flight!

Anyway, I think it's time to look out the window as we descend toward our destination . . .

Hmmm . . . If you want to discourage thieves, don't use an LED spotlight in your yard. "LED floodlight" is an oxymoron: It actually lights up just enough area to show burglars where your house is . . . not to reveal that they're stealing you blind.

Speaking of LED lights, the blue and green ones give off a distinctly alien or zombie-like glow that will make those creatures feel right at home during the "coming" Alien Invasion  or Zombie Apocalypse.

Whew! The plane has finally landed, and I've managed not to need the bag from the seat back pocket. So maybe, just maybe . . . I'll be back.

Yankee's Guide to Southern Speak

Any Yankee (non-Southern person) who travels in the South may hear certain phrases and suppose they know the intended meaning. But do they? For example:

1. "How y'all doin' today?" doesn't necessarily mean the inquirer wants to know how you're feeling at the moment. So don't panic at a stranger's seeming interest in your personal life. (I had a great "Yankee" friend in college who was taken aback whenever I asked how she was doing.) This phrase is simply the most common form of greeting in the South. The common response is "fine," and then the conversation may proceed as usual.

2. "What can I get ya, Sugar?" You'll most likely to hear this phrase at Shoney's, O'Charley's or another Southern eating establishment. The waitress, who doesn't know your husband from Jim-Bob, nevertheless addresses him with terms of endearment such as "Honey" or "Sweetie Pie." Don't worry––she's probably not making a pass at your man. That's just how a true Southern waitress talks. She'll probably call you "Sweetie" when she asks if you'd like some more "swait" tea.

3. By the way, "iced tea" is always sweet in the South, unless you ask for un-sweet. If you do, be prepared to have them look at you like you're crazy. Southerners don't understand why people would  want to drink bitter water. But beware––some iced tea is so sweet you could heat it and pour it over pancakes.

4. "Can I get you a coke?" If a Southerner asks if you'd like a coke, they don't mean Coca-Cola. They mean one of the carbonated beverages you call "pop" or "soda" or "soda-pop." So when they ask what kind of coke you'd like, they don't mean regular or diet or caffeine-free. They mean, "Do you want Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Root Beer, or ____ ?"

5. "I'll just go down yonder a minute, then swing back and hit ya." Don't worry. He's not going to punch you. He's going to leave for a little while, then come back and check with you.

6. "Hi, Miss Julie." Perhaps you're a married lady who's used to being called "Mrs. Smith." Then some Southern chick dares to call you "Miss" and use your first name. She's not trying to insult you. That's just how younger people are supposed to address older people in the South, regardless of marital status. (Again, I've had this happen. My college pastor's wife, who was from a northern state, thought I was being rude when I called her "Miss Rhonda." I meant to be friendly.) 

7. "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am." The person addressing you is not trying to make you feel old. He or she has just been taught to say "sir" or "ma'am" as a term of respect. (When I moved to CO after college, I had a supervisor ask me not to call him "Mr. Tom" or say, "Yes, sir." Took a long time for me to get used to calling older  grown-ups by their first name, without a Mr. or Miss in front of it.)

8. "Bless your heart." When a Southern lady says, "Bless her heart," it may be meant kindly, as in "I'm so sorry she's going through that." But it doesn't always mean the speaker has good feelings toward "her." Loosely translated, "Bless her heart" could also mean, "What a naive person" or "What an idiot!" But of course a lady would never say that in polite company. So "bless her heart" may be a nice way of saying someone's a few dozen watts short of a 40-watt bulb.

What other distinctly Southern phrases have you heard and perhaps wondered at the meaning? Or what other phrases can you translate for those who didn't grow up in the South?